


Aftermath

by DrugsRUs



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Funnee, Gen, Memes, no ships, the mercs move in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:47:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29842416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrugsRUs/pseuds/DrugsRUs
Summary: After fighting for several long years, the mercs finally finish the job, and move in together.Yeah, it might have been a mistake.BIG CREDITS TO SCATTERPATTER'S INCORRECT QUOTES GENERATORhttps://incorrect-quotes-generator.neocities.org/Really helped with this story *snicker*
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. Soldier, Demo, Engieneer, and Spy

One morning, in Engineer’s house...

Demoman “Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside”

Spy:

Spy: “Demoman, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn…”

Demoman: *Sips coffee from bowl*

*Much later, Spy pours ice down Demo’s back.*

Demoman: *Screams*

Spy: *Screams louder to establish dominance*

Soldier: Should we do something?

Engineer: No, I want to see who wins.

*eventually, the screaming stops, and both go silent.*

Demoman: *Gently taps table*

Spy: *Taps back*

Soldier: What are they doing?

Engineer: Morse code.

Demoman: *Aggressively taps table*

Spy: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

  
  


Demoman: You know those things will kill you, right?

Spy, pouring another glass of whiskey: That’s the point.

Soldier, smoking a cigarette: We’re trying to speed up the process.

Engineer: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

The next day, their paychecks from the war come back

Demoman: Listen, I can explain...

Spy: You’re making $500,000 and you’re only gonna pay me $30,000?

Soldier: You’re getting 30 grand? I’m getting $1,000!

Engineer: You guys are getting paid?

Demoman: On a scale from “damn Daniel” to “fre sha vaca do”, how are you feeling?

Spy: In between “it’s an avocado, thanks” and “how did you defeat Captain America”, but as a solid answer I would say “I don’t need a degree to be a clothing hanger”. How about you, Soldier?

Soldier: Probably “road work ahead”.

Engineer: I speak many languages, and this is none of them.

  
  


Demoman: Why is Spy so sad?

Soldier: He took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes

Demoman: And...?

Spy: I got Engineer.

Spy runs to his room, sobbing like a litte B I T C H

Demoman, banging on the door: Spy! Open up!

Spy: Well, it all started when I was a kid...

Soldier: No, he meant-

Engineer: Let him finish.

Demoman, setting down a card: Ace of spades

Spy, pulling out an Uno card: +4

Soldier, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you

Engineer, trembling: What are we playing

Demoman: I think we're missing something.

Spy: Teamwork?

Soldier: Cohesion?

Engineer: A general sense of what we’re doing?

Demoman: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no clue what to put in them. Suggestions?

Spy: Put spaghetti in it.

Demoman: I'm currently taking suggestions from literally anyone but you.

Soldier: Put spaghetti in it.

Demoman: I'm currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two.

Engineer: Put spaghetti in it.

Demoman: I'm no longer taking suggestions.

Next chapter will be the other duo.


	2. Scout, Heavy, Medic, and Sniper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and done.

Scout: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.

Sniper: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.

Heavy: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?

Medic: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

Scout: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Sniper: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Heavy: I got distracted about halfway through.

Medic: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Scout: Can I be frank with you guys?

Sniper: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Heavy: Can I still be Heavy?

Medic: Shh, let Frank speak.

Scout: Tonight, one of you will betray us.

Sniper: Is it me, Scout?

Scout: No, it’s not you.

Heavy: Is it me, Scout?

Scout: It’s not you either.

Medic: Is it me, Scout?

Scout:

Scout, mockingly: Is IT mE Scout?

Scout: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

Sniper:

Heavy:

Medic:

Everyone Else At Scout’s Surprise Birthday Party:

Sniper: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

Scout: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

Sniper: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.

Heavy: I personally was created in a lab.

Medic: I just straight up spawned lol.

Scout: I just ended a four year relationship.

Sniper: Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?

Scout: Hm? Oh yeah, I’m fine. It wasn’t my relationship.

*Heavy and Medic fighting from across the room*

Scout: Yo is Medic sleeping or dead?

Sniper: Hopefully dead, I hated their guts.

Heavy: Yeah, so did I.

Medic: Okay first of all, fuck you-

Scout, Sniper, and Heavy are sitting on a bench

Medic: Why do you guys look so sad?

Scout: Sit down with us so we can tell you.

*Medic sits down*

Sniper: The bench is freshly painted.

Medic: Yo, what do you think about the Nintendo Direct this year?

Heavy: It’s terrible

Sniper: Meh

Scout: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

**Author's Note:**

> Next will be Scout, Heavy, Medic, Pyro, and Sniper


End file.
